he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
