I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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