so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
