I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
