I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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