you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize