it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
