woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
