I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
