Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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