I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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