Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
