new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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