Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How external is "for external use only"?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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