Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
