I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
