I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
