Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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