Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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