I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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