I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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