The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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