with your own penis?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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