Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
