some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
