my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
