just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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