I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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