i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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