oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
