my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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