I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
