is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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