Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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