Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize