I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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