I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
