my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
