failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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