I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
