Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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