I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
