then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
