census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
