The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize