I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
