Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
