I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
