BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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