That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
