You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize