it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
