don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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