I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The air was thick with penises
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
