I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
