Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
