get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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