true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
