I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so let's talk penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
